


and if you asked me if I love him

by switmikan74



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxious Yamaguchi Tadashi, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I swear they don't suffer much here, Kageyama Tobio is a Good Friend, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Second year, Tsukishima Kei somehow Manages with Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24770695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/switmikan74/pseuds/switmikan74
Summary: For years and years, Yamaguchi loves Tsukishima. He loves him in a way the sun chases the moon, the way the ocean loves kissing the shore, the way the poet loves his muse, the way a man loves a lover.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, yamaguchi tadashi & kageyama tobio
Comments: 10
Kudos: 159





	and if you asked me if I love him

**Author's Note:**

> Yamaguchi loves Tsukishima until it hurts him so.

* * *

_"I'm holding every breath for you..."_

* * *

For years and years, Yamaguchi loves Tsukishima. He loves him in a way the sun chases the moon, the way the ocean loves kissing the shore, the way the poet loves his muse, the way a man loves a lover.

It isn’t exactly a kept secret that Yamaguchi hides in his closet like the love letters he had written stacked under his bed. It is something he was proud of despite the shame of his sexuality brought to him by his parents. It is something that he cradles in his sleep, takes it even in his dreams, a comfort to his lonesome self. He doesn’t try to hide it as much. Because love shouldn’t be something you hide.

But he never plans on confessing. Confession is an entirely different world for him. It takes courage to articulate the boundless affection he has for his best friend. Courage is something he doesn’t have—something he’s not used to feeling outside the court.

He’s all anxiety and sadness and things that are too unlovable to be kept around. Being beside Tsukishima and not asking for more than that, that has been enough for him. At least, _at the very least_ , Yamaguchi is still beside Tsukishima. And it’s enough. _It’s enough, right?_

“I’m sorry.” He utters because what should he say next? It has spilled over—his love. It has tainted the perfectly white parchment of their friendship. Because he had been desperate. And he couldn’t control his burning emotions, whirling and curling and consuming him until he breaks and everything that he holds dear falls apart by his confession.

“Tsukki, I’m sorry.” He repeats, taking a step back as he sees the blank look on his best friend’s face. He flinches under the tall blond’s cool gaze, breath shaking as the silence stretches between them, and finally succumbing to the blatant answer that stews in the quiet.

He doesn’t look back when he runs, too afraid to see the blankness turning into outright disgust.

.

.

.

He cries for the rest of the evening. And he engulfs the weekend with his misery. His mother would never understand because she doesn’t want to. So he kept his sadness within his room, his tears and screams muffled by the pillow, and he promises to himself and to his best friend that everything will be the same.

He just had to act.

Because he has to.

.

.

.

Monday comes faster than he expected. His eyes are all red, his cheeks flushed by the amount of times he rubbed the tears away, his hair is a disheveled mess. His mother does not ask, simply avoids his gaze and he doesn’t beg for comfort because his mother would never try.

The breakfast was silent as they always were. And they finish quickly as if stuck on a time schedule they can’t mess up. He gets up from the table and bids farewell under his breath. Yamaguchi tries to even out his breathing, counting to ten as advised by his psychologist, before opening the door with nothing to expect beyond.

But there he is. Tsukishima Kei. The source of his woes since he learnt that love knows no gender. He is cool and collected and Yamaguchi doesn’t know what to do. He reaches for his hair as his other hand reaches for the door in alarm.

“We’re going to be late.” The familiar cold voice breaks him out of his frozen state and his feet immediately move out of routine. He wrings his hands together, sweat gathering on his temple, his eyes shaking, and he feels like he’s going to retch—the beginning signs of anxiety attack. “Yamaguchi.”

“Y-yes!” He inhales sharply, finding Tsukishima’s face too close for comfort. He turns his head away and chuckles nervously, “Ts-Tsukki, do y-you…”

He stops with a cringe. His voice is too shaky that it shows his discomfort. He glances at his friend and sees the same blank look from days ago. He balks unconsciously and he doesn’t notice that his whole body is shaking until he feels warm arms around him for support.

“Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Tsukishima whispers against his ear. A routine. It’s always like this, Yamaguchi thinks as he closes his eyes and listens to Tsukishima’s voice solely. Tsukishima knows of his anxiety attacks and he knows how to comfort him without vomiting uncharacteristic words.

He pulls away when he manages to clear his head. He offers his friend a smile and his gratitude. The walk was almost silent until Tsukishima sighs. Yamaguchi tenses at the sound.

“Listen, Tadashi.” Yamaguchi stiffens even more. Tsukishima is not looking at him. Tsukishima is being careful with his words. Yamaguchi knows rejection when he sees one. “About your confession…”

“Let’s forget it!” Yamaguchi exclaims with over the top enthusiasm. He doesn’t see the sharp look thrown to him, only hears the surprised _huh_.

“It’s not something important anyway.” Yamaguchi explains, eyes on the floor, “We can call it a joke, Tsukki. A confession from your best friend? That’s something silly, right? Yes, we can call it silly.”

He added a laugh at the end for reinforcement. Tsukishima is silent for a second before he hears a snort, “What a fucking coward.”

He pauses at the remark before nodding his head.

He laughs despite the throbbing pain, “That I am.”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima says as he speeds up. Yamaguchi does not follow his pace, smiling in the saddest way, “Sorry, Tsukki.”

.

.

.

If their dynamic shifted, no one commented about it. The seniors have more tact to them despite their exuberant persona. It was Hinata who pointed it out because, well, he’s Hinata.

Yamaguchi does not have to explain himself. Tsukishima glares enough for the both of them until Hinata stops asking questions about the bigger space taking up between the two.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Hinata mutters to himself but Yamaguchi hears them all the same, “Yamaguchi seems to be avoiding standing beside Tsukishima.”

Was he?

He looks at his side. There’s Tsukishima as always. But, he mentally counts the steps between them, _oh_ , has he been standing seven steps away from him since then?

“What?” He is troubled by the tone Tsukishima used. He kind of misses the softer kind, the one where his words turn gentle at the timbre he speaks with, one which he uses only with him. It has been two weeks since he last heard of its presence. He smiles weakly at Tsukishima, “Nothing.”

He doesn’t get to walk farther when Tsukishima speaks again, “Where are you going?”

The seven steps were maintained as if it was the decreed demarcation, he observes.

“To the bathroom.”

Tsukishima raises a brow, “Okay. Come back quickly.”

If there’s something Tsukishima wants to add, he doesn’t. The blond looks conflicted, biting his lips in frustration before huffing. He turns away from him before his hesitation could unravel him. Yamaguchi does not prod because he would probably combust if Tsukishima ever worded his rejection properly.

Tails between his legs, he walks out without looking back.

.

.

.

He finds comfort, surprisingly, at the presence of Kageyama. It wasn’t something he would ever imagine happening. But there they are, both alone with their thoughts in the otherwise empty gym. Hinata has gone home earlier for some personal reason and Tsukishima refused to stay behind a little longer.

He doesn’t ask for him to wait because he doesn’t think Tsukishima would. He imagines he would merely raise his brow and huff, his overbearing silence embarrassing Yamaguchi until he apologizes for overstepping. Yamaguchi smiles despite himself, fondly embracing his imaginations.

“I’m surprised you stayed.” Kageyama says after awhile. Yamaguchi shrugs, “I need to clear my mind.”

“Hmm.” Kageyama hums to himself as he reaches for the ball, “Volleyball is always a nice distraction.”

“That’s so you.” Yamaguchi chuckles but he gets up anyway, “Can you teach me how to control the ball then?”

Kageyama scrunches his brows, deep in thought, before he gives Yamaguchi the ball to toss to him. Yamaguchi does and sees Kageyama handles it with such precision that seeing him target a specific bottle had him as stumped as he had first seen it.

“You have to be careful with the rotation you give it to give you precision.” Kageyama states simply and Yamaguchi thinks that it could only be as easy as that with geniuses like Kageyama. But Yamaguchi tries anyway. Because _volleyball is always a nice distraction_.

They were both panting in exhaustion when they both call it quits. Yamaguchi is more tired than his companion, his arms feel like they’ll fall.

“Are… are you okay now?” He is surprised by the concern. Kageyama has gone a long way with his social skills, he almost feels proud. Yamaguchi thins his lips into a vague kind of smile, “I guess.”

“Does it have to do with Tsukishima?”

“Is it pretty obvious?” He has to ask, does everybody know? Even Kageyama has shown curiosity and worry. Does he look pitiful?

“You…” Kageyama pauses, scrunching his brow in concentration to find the right words but when it takes too long, he sighs, “You look heartbroken.”

Of all the words that Yamaguchi expects from Kageyama, it wasn’t that one. It was too specific, too precise to be anything but the truth. He is lost with words. He blinks several times to overcome the shock and when he does, he surprises himself even more when he laughs.

Kageyama punches him on the shoulder. He flinches at the light blow but it wasn’t enough to calm his laughter. It takes him a full five minutes to settle, a full five minutes where Kageyama just stares at him with incredulity.

“I’m sorry about that.” Yamaguchi finally says, a couple of chuckles still bursting from him, “But really? Heartbroken? Did I wear my heartbreak on my sleeves?”

“No, you wear it on your face.” Kageyama replies seriously. Yamaguchi snorts, “No. I mean…”

He sighs, “Was I so obvious? What give it away?”

“It’s the space.” Kageyama confesses, eyes on the ceiling as they still lie on their back to stretch. “There seems to be too much space between the two of you. Hinata says you were fighting. But I… I think I understand.”

“Understand?” He turns his face to see Kageyama and he sees the same sad twinkle he sees in the mirror. Kageyama nods, “I love Hinata.”

“I do. I love him so much and he’ll never know.” Kageyama whispers like it was a secret he’ll hold forever but with a tinge of relief like he’s glad he has finally let it out. Yamaguchi stretches his arms until his hand cups the side of his friend’s face, “I think he loves you back.”

Kageyama shakes his head, “I don’t think so.”

“Have you told him?” Kageyama shakes his head again. Yamaguchi sees the fear in his eyes and he could see himself in his shoes—frightened by the notion of breaking the friendship he cradled so preciously because of his silly feelings. He could say that he shouldn’t push anymore, that he should learn from his mistake, that he should look at him and see where his confession had gotten him into.

But, Yamaguchi stands up and offers a hand, Kageyama and Hinata are two different beings. He had seen the way they had looked at each other. He had seen the way Hinata would situate himself in the vicinity where Kageyama could easily spot him, where he could easily steal Kageyama’s attention away from others.

Kageyama’s situation is different from him. Because the recipient of Kageyama’s affections is more than willing to return them tenfold.

“You should try.” He says, “There are things that shouldn’t be said to avoid some unfortunate circumstances. But your feelings for Hinata is not one of them.”

Kageyama stares at his hand before taking them.

“I think…” Kageyama starts, “I think you should go talk with Tsukishima.”

“I should, ha?” He speaks rhetorically, eyes crinkling into a smile even when he feels the telltale sign of his tears. It starts all too suddenly, without a warning. He finds himself crying in front of Kageyama and he feels lighter somewhat. It has been a month since he cried and in itself has been a miracle.

Kageyama pulls him into an awkward hug with a panicked yell. He clenches Kageyama’s shirt and wet them with his sniffles. It’s good—it’s so good to let himself cry and be heard by someone. He doesn’t feel pity from Kageyama and it makes him more complacent with showing his vulnerability.

He apologizes when he is done but Kageyama only shakes his head.

“Why would you apologize for feeling sad?” Kageyama never fails to surprise him and he smiles, “Thank you for being here with me.”

“It’s… it’s what friends do.” There’s a flush creeping on Kageyama’s cheeks. Yamaguchi pats him on the head even if Kageyama is taller.

“Yes, it’s what friends do.”

.

.

.

They pack their bags and finally trudge out of the school. It was dark already, the stars littering the sky like painted dots. Yamaguchi chatters with Kageyama about their team strategy for the next upcoming practice match with Nekoma but their conversation dies when they reach the gate.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi calls out in surprise. Tsukishima looks up from his phone with a marred frown, “Took you long enough.”

“I… I thought you went home.” Yamaguchi exclaims. But his assumption is clearly wrong because Tsukishima is frowning in front of him, eyes steadily melting into a glare. Kageyama pats his shoulder, leaning down to his ears, “Good luck.”

Tsukishima almost hisses when Kageyama passes him, his glare positively poisonous. Yamaguchi shuffles towards his friend cautiously, wincing when Tsukishima forcefully takes his elbow and drags him out.

“Sorry, Tsukki.” He apologizes, “I thought you had gone ahead so I didn’t watch the time. You really did not have to wait for me, Tsukki. You could go home on your own without me if I’m taking too long.”

“Shut up.” He does, eyes lowering to the ground because there goes the cold tone again. It still feels unfamiliar to him. He could still imagine the tone Tsukishima used with him before his confession. He feels his eyes prickle again. He blinks rapidly but the tears clung to his lashes, sliding down his face because it hurts.

He shakes his elbow from the hold until Tsukishima lets him go.

“What now?” Tsukishima is almost shouting, lips into a thin angry line but he stops when he sees Yamaguchi crying. The freckled boy quickly covers his face, crouching into a protective ball.

“I’m sorry.” He hears Yamaguchi sobs, apologizing repeatedly. Tsukishima sighs but not out of irritation, “Why?”

“B-because I love you so much, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi confesses between his sobs, “I love you so much that it hurts. I promised myself not to say anything. I promised myself that I’ll never confess to you. But I was so stupid. I was too desperate. I was jealous of Kuroo-san. He graduated already but you kept in touch. You seem happy whenever he messages you. And I just… I just thought for a moment that you’ll be happier with me. That was stupid and lame of me. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry for loving me?” Tsukishima’s voice is flat. Yamaguchi can’t decipher his intention but he does know that his friend is getting irritated. He shakes his head, “No. I’m sorry for confessing.”

“You don’t want me to know you have feelings for me? You don’t like me knowing that you like me? Why?”

Yamaguchi gets frustrated with the questions, “Look at where it had gotten me. I ruined our friendship, Tsukki.”

“Who says it’s ruined? You? Do you really have the liberty to say it without consulting me first?” Tsukishima pries his hands away from his face. The proximity between them startles Yamaguchi but he couldn’t put distance between them, Tsukishima’s hold on his hands were gentle but firm. “Are you ready to talk now?”

Yamaguchi shakily nods. He doesn’t think Tsukishima will even let him say no.

“Then…”

There’s a warmth engulfing Yamaguchi and he realizes Tsukishima is hugging him while they crouched. Tsukishima’s head find its way on his shoulders, nuzzling until he is comfortably resting. Yamaguchi blinks, “Tsukki?”

“You know, nobody ever runs after confessing. It’s rude not to hear the reply of the one being confessed to.” Tsukishima says in the soft tone that Yamaguchi knows Tsukishima only ever uses with him.

“It’s okay, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi replies with a sad smile, “I know that you’re going to reject me.”

“You know that I’m going to reject you? What are you? A psychic? Can you tell me what’s our match with Nekoma next week going to be?” Tsukishima floods him with questions. Yamaguchi frowns, “You were hesitating back then. You did not look at me as you think of how you will let me down gently.”

“Tadashi.” The call of his name shuts him up, Tsukishima’s lips press against his ear, “I get embarrassed too, you know. I am not good with words. I want to tell you that I love you too in a nicer way than just saying okay to your confession.”

“What?” Yamaguchi pushes suddenly and they both sat on the ground in the middle of the path and Yamaguchi thanks the stars that they’re the only ones out in the street.

“I had known for a long time.” Tsukishima begins, “I thought of confessing to you several times. But I just couldn’t. I sometimes question if you really like someone like me.”

“I do!” Yamaguchi exclaims, eyes brimming with the affections he couldn’t store in his little body, “I love you.”

“Then you shouldn’t say that your feelings aren’t important, stupid.” Tsukishima glares but his words were gentle, “I hate it when you belittle yourself. What do you think I’d feel if the person I pined over for a long time suddenly confesses but then retracts it, playing it as a joke?”

“I’m sorry.” Yamaguchi lowers his head, he didn’t mean to. Tsukishima cups his face and turns it to face him. It was gentle, the kiss. For all the callousness that Tsukishima shows sometimes, he could be really soft.

“Do you really love me?” Yamaguchi couldn’t help but ask because the anxiety is wired into his body that he can’t help but doubt and doubt and doubt. Tsukishima quenches his uncertainty with another kiss, forehead touching his when he is done.

“I don’t think I’ll kiss just anyone.” Tsukishima says with a smirk. Yamaguchi blinks, letting it sink to him until he is grasping the reality and cradling them in his arms.

Yamaguchi smiles and it was the brightest Tsukishima ever saw him wore.

.

.

.

When Yamaguchi enters the gym the next day, he sees Hinata clinging to Kageyama and he chuckles at the sight of the two. He discretely walks to them until he is near enough to push Hinata to Kageyama. He watches as the two stumbles to the floor in a tangle, Hinata and Kageyama groaning at him for his behavior.

“What was that for, Yamaguchi?” Hinata whines and Yamaguchi only shrugs, “I just think you look cute together.”

Kageyama splutters and glares but Hinata preens, “Do you think so?”

“Yes.” Yamaguchi replies honestly, winking at Kageyama. Hinata turns to Kageyama with a big smile, “Everybody thinks we look good together, Kageyama. So, what’s stopping you?”

“Coward.” He hears Tsukishima says before he is pulled into a hug from behind. “He’s such a coward, ne, Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi snickers with Tsukishima, “Yes, he is, Tsukki.”

Kageyama grits his teeth before pulling Hinata by his collar, “Stupid Hinata! I love you, there! Happy?”

It was inelegant and unromantic but Hinata shines like the sun as he pushes Kageyama down with a hug, kissing his face sloppily with his confession in between.

“Ugh. Disgusting.”

“Tsukki, that’s not nice.”

Their friends stop what they were doing long enough to see them. Kageyama’s eyes widen and he crooks a small smile, “You talk to him.”

Yamaguchi smiles, offering a hand to the two. But before they could accept it, Tsukishima has pulled Yamaguchi from them, “Don’t touch him. You’ll infect him with your stupidity.”

“Hey! You’re so mean.” Hinata exclaims but it lacks the usual fire, too happy to really care, his hand holding Kageyama’s. Tsukishima is about to retort but Tanaka shoves them to Ennoshita, whose eyes had noticeably become narrower with a glare.

They all gulp.

“I know you love one another but pick a decent room to copulate!”

“Senpai!”

Yamaguchi chuckles despite the blush he sports and he snuggles deeper into Tsukishima’s arms.

.

.

.

For years and years, Tsukishima loves Yamaguchi. He loves him the way the moon loves the stars, the way the flowers need the sun to live, the way a bard would write love songs, the way the thesaurus could not possibly describe love in its entirety.

It wasn’t a secret and he’ll never actually deny it. It was something he’s actually proud of and with his naturally smug persona, he could dangle it in front of everybody and acts like a little shit to annoy them how successful his love life is with Yamaguchi. It is something that he tells his mother and brother about, something that is too precious for him, something that he is sometimes afraid to touch because it looks so delicate despite the strength it possesses. It’s something that he’ll never hide. Because love isn’t something you should hide.

So, he doesn’t.

-fin-

**Author's Note:**

> But don't worry. Tsukishima loves him back.
> 
> And FINALLY! I had written a KageHina even though they're a minor pairing here. I will go down with KageHina. Ashfsghfsjkl. 
> 
> \-------  
> Tsukishima sighs at the unhelpful message of Kuroo. The man just blabbers about how he had gotten with Kozume instead of actually helping him. Sure, the man did give him tips that made him smile because he could just see Yamaguchi's joy if he goes with it. But. That is not the situation now. He doesn't need to confess anymore because Yamaguchi already did. What he needs from Kuroo is to help him articulate his feelings so Yamaguchi would finally see that he is love back. 
> 
> His head snaps up at Yamaguchi's voice. He almost puts a smile but he sees the proximity between Kageyama and Yamaguchi and he frowns. He feels murderous when he sees Kageyama leans in and hisses at the nonchalant setter passing him by. Unable to suppress the jealousy, he pulls Yamaguchi to him.


End file.
